But Pigs are Supposed to Be Pink!

So back in Kindergarten (what? I have a memory like a hawk) my elementary school did this fundraiser where if the whole school raised 1 MILLION pennies (aka $10,000), our principal would kiss a pig. We were so excited. I wanted to collect 500 pennies on my own (without my parents just getting rolls from the bank), because if you did, you got this awesome button to wear that had a picture of a PINK pig on it that said "I raised 500." Okay, it doesn't sound all that exciting, but they really hyped it up and advertised with posters of bright pink smiling pigs all over the school and we got such a kick out of imagining our principal kissing a big, slimy, pink pig, pretty much like the one below. It was exciting stuff.

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Well, as you might guess, we raised the 1 million pennies! Score! The day finally came where the principal was supposed to kiss the pig! Mistake #1: Having the pig-kissing assembly outside on a 85 degree day in June, and making the kids sit on the itchy, scratchy grass. Mistake #2: Putting the 5th graders up closest to the stage, and the kindergartners in the back. I was pissed. First off, gross, I hated sitting on scratchy grass, so I was already annoyed. Then we could barely see the stage over the bigger kids in front of us. It was okay though, because the PRINCIPAL WAS GOING TO KISS A PIG! WOO HOO!

The moment came, and first the principal tried to kiss the vice principal, who was dressed up in a big pink pig costume. Um no, you said a real pig, and the kids weren't having it. "Boooooo!" we yelled. "Okay okay, I'll kiss a real pig now," the principal said. Mistake #3: Out comes the pig. It was a big, black hairy boar.

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What even is that thing?! Not the bright pink pig they'd been advertising and I'd been envisioning in my head. I mean seriously, WTF! All of us kids looked around at each other, at the teachers, at the moms, in confusion. What is that hairy black thing the principal is kissing? "It's a pig!" the teachers tried to answer excitedly, but I bet they were pissed too. This was false advertising, and I was not going to stand for it. I collected 500 pennies FOR THIS?! Unacceptable, they LIED! That was it, I lost my cool. I cried, I protested, and finally my mom had to pick me up and take me home (but hey, I wasn't the only one!). I never even saw the principal kiss that stinking "pig."

And that's why I can't trust elementary school principals... or pigs. And don't even for a second think I'm not still mad about it, because I am.