Monday, March 24, 2014

But Pigs are Supposed to Be Pink!

So back in Kindergarten (what? I have a memory like a hawk) my elementary school did this fundraiser where if the whole school raised 1 MILLION pennies (aka $10,000), our principal would kiss a pig. We were so excited. I wanted to collect 500 pennies on my own (without my parents just getting rolls from the bank), because if you did, you got this awesome button to wear that had a picture of a PINK pig on it that said "I raised 500." Okay, it doesn't sound all that exciting, but they really hyped it up and advertised with posters of bright pink smiling pigs all over the school and we got such a kick out of imagining our principal kissing a big, slimy, pink pig, pretty much like the one below. It was exciting stuff.

Well, as you might guess, we raised the 1 million pennies! Score! The day finally came where the principal was supposed to kiss the pig! Mistake #1: Having the pig-kissing assembly outside on a 85 degree day in June, and making the kids sit on the itchy, scratchy grass. Mistake #2: Putting the 5th graders up closest to the stage, and the kindergartners in the back. I was pissed. First off, gross, I hated sitting on scratchy grass, so I was already annoyed. Then we could barely see the stage over the bigger kids in front of us. It was okay though, because the PRINCIPAL WAS GOING TO KISS A PIG! WOO HOO!

The moment came, and first the principal tried to kiss the vice principal, who was dressed up in a big pink pig costume. Um no, you said a real pig, and the kids weren't having it. "Boooooo!" we yelled. "Okay okay, I'll kiss a real pig now," the principal said. Mistake #3: Out comes the pig. It was a big, black hairy boar.

What even is that thing?! Not the bright pink pig they'd been advertising and I'd been envisioning in my head. I mean seriously, WTF! All of us kids looked around at each other, at the teachers, at the moms, in confusion. What is that hairy black thing the principal is kissing? "It's a pig!" the teachers tried to answer excitedly, but I bet they were pissed too. This was false advertising, and I was not going to stand for it. I collected 500 pennies FOR THIS?! Unacceptable, they LIED! That was it, I lost my cool. I cried, I protested, and finally my mom had to pick me up and take me home (but hey, I wasn't the only one!). I never even saw the principal kiss that stinking "pig."

And that's why I can't trust elementary school principals... or pigs. And don't even for a second think I'm not still mad about it, because I am.
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  1. "This was false advertising, and I was not going to stand for it."

    Ha ha, I just love your stories. Why do I feel like this is probably the second that you decided to become a lawyer and fight for truth? ;)

  2. Oh, my gosh!! I love that you had to be picked up because you were that upset. That's classic! I'd be pissed too--pigs are supposed to be little squeaky pink things!

  3. Five year old Jess did not mess around! Also 85 degrees in June sounds amazing - we are at about 95 here by that time... Jealous of your delightful northern weather!

  4. Hahahaha I can totally see Little K being mad about something like this, I mean children take advertising seriously and to a 5 year old pigs are pink!

  5. Hahah. Your stories from memory lane are the best. I'd much rather kiss a slimy pink pig than a hairy black boar so I think the Principal lost out :-P

    Big Apple, Little Bites

  6. This is the best story ever! You really can't mislead kids and get away with it though, they will NEVER forget it.

  7. hahaha this is hilarious! One should never stand for false advertising!

  8. This is too funny! I have a crazy good memory too!

  9. Where I am from, that is a hog, not pig! Haha, well I hate that your still upset about this so long after it happen! :)

    -Kristen | Kandid Kristen

  10. false advertising at it's best. and to me, pigs are different from hogs or boars. same family but not the same animal.

    Vodka and Soda

  11. Haha that is possibly one of the most adorable stories ever.


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