How to Survive a Haunted House

..or a Haunted Hayride/Den/Walk in the Woods... haha I try to get to at least one of these every October, and because I've been going since 7th grade, I've picked up some tips on surviving them.

1. Dress accordingly. Seriously, don't be an idiot. Haunted attractions are usually at farms. Why are you wearing a nice sweater/fancy boots/flip flops? There's mud and hay and uneven surfaces. You will get dirty and you will fall. I was wearing old Uggs and still almost wiped out last night. Hoodies and crappy shoes are where it's at. 

Freshman me after Field of Screams.. perfect attire, stylin

2. Choose who you go with wisely. If you don't want to be harassed by the actors, leave your boyfriend at home. He won't warn you that a creepy clown/witch/zombie is right behind you and you will almost pee your pants. 

3. Don't go while pregnant. Honestly, I thought this one was obvious, but I saw more than one pregnant woman there Saturday night. The teenage actors playing zombies and psychos probably aren't trained to deliver your baby when you go into premature labor. 

4. There are youths everywhere. Keep away from them. Just, stay away. Trust me. Also, you will see the weirdest people you've ever laid eyes on in your life.. stay away from them, too. 

5. Be prepared for the longest lines of your life outside of the airport when you're trying to get back into the country during a sequester. Just when you think the line is over, you'll enter a building and realize you were only halfway through.

6. Speaking of lines, while you're waiting, be "scanning, constantly scanning" (if you know what movie that line is from, we're now best friends). But yea, this is extremely important. I mean it. There are people planted in the line trained to scare you, and if you're not paying attention or your boyfriend thinks it's funny not to warn you they will catch you off guard and scare the pants off you.

7. Learn to limbo. This will come in handy when trying to escape the crazies in line. Just duck under the chains and you're golden. 

8. Always turn your head slowly and look before you talk. If not, you will get out a full sentence as you turn to your sister before you realize a clown stuck its head in between the two of you and you will be face-to-face with it and scream your head off. 

9. They will touch you (at most places). They will touch your hair, clutch your shirt, grab your ankles. Don't touch them back, it's frowned upon. But seriously, if you can't take the heat, stay out of the haunted house. 

10. Never let 'em see you sweat. Do not look the actors in the eye. Walk past fast or act like you don't see them. And definitely DO NOT SCREAM. They will be bored with you and leave you alone. Or they will call you a Justin Bieber wannabe, just ask Brian bahahaha.

 

11. They WILL chase you out with a chainsaw. It happens every time, don't be surprised and don't run, because they'll chase you halfway through the park. 

12. When in doubt, run out the emergency exit. I've done it before They don't love you for it but you gotta do what you gotta do, man. 

*If you follow all of the above tips, your haunted house experience will be a lot less terrifying. But hey, I don't listen to most of my own advice and still have a great time. Getting scared is kinda the point.* 

And if haunted houses don't scare you at all, just remember this last tip..

13. It's impossible to tell if all of the clowns/zombies/monsters are employees OR if they're actually psycho murderers who are pretending to be actors so they can murder unsuspecting thrill-seekers under the cover of the haunted house (what? no one else thinks of that? because I definitely think it every time I go to a haunted house. The more you know..). 

P.S. Don't forget about the What's in a Name? Link up happening Wednesday!