And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies

This is the story of a girl*, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, who did very well in school, so naturally college was a given. She never had any idea what she wanted to do with her life (except when she was in elementary school and wanted to be an obstetrician... until she found out blood was involved), so she flip-flopped around with different majors, starting with business, going to undeclared, and finally picking psychology because she had somewhat of an interest in it and figured it was a versatile enough major so that she'd have a variety of options for grad school. Oh and yes, grad school was pretty much also a given for this girl.. why? Probably because she didn't like any of the 4-year majors, like engineering or teaching, that she could get a job in straight out of college. 

So at first she thought she wanted to go to grad school for Occupational Therapy, then Speech and Language Pathology, then Audiology. Then she wanted to get her PhD or PsyD and become a psychologist. Then, out of the deepest, darkest, naviest blue (if you know who said that quote the she will love you forever) the girl decided to take the LSAT. Why? She really couldn't tell you. Everyone is always so focused on the future and making teenagers pick lifetime careers before they can even drink legally, and she was confused but figured it was an option. Well, the girl did very well, applied to law school, got in and got a scholarship, and off she went to law school.

Well you may be able to guess what happened next: the girl hated it from the first day of orientation. She debated quitting, but decided to stick it out through the first semester and see how she did. Well of course, being book smart as she was (common sense? Well that's another story), she did very well and decided to stick it out because she didn't want to let anyone down and knew there was nothing else she wanted to do so she just told herself "self, you must be good at law, so just deal with it. Maybe you'll grow to love it." 

She threw herself into trying to love law school, got on the Board of an Honor Society, graduated cum laude, and, surprise surprise, still didn't feel a passion for the law whatsoever. "But I must be good at it!" she told herself. Well who the eff cares. The girl is good at getting fat, but that doesn't mean she should be a food taster for a living! 

The girl took the bar exam and waited for the results, and finally felt like she had an out; if she failed it was okay because it meant career in law wasn't meant to be, and she could move on to something else, no harm no foul (well, besides the $$ but that could be overlooked if she could be legitimately happy). But she passed, and a month later got a job. A job that on paper looks amazing and is everything an aspiring lawyer should want and love. She told herself how lucky she was and not to be selfish, and tricked herself into thinking that practicing law would be different than law school.

Well practicing law is so.much.different than law school (one learns nothing actually useful for practicing law while in law school), but not enough for the girl. This is a girl who always did her best schoolwork at home, alone, and she is now working in a high stress environment with lots of people.. not ideal. So now the girl is a practicing attorney and asks herself every day, "self, what in the h-e-double hockey sticks were you thinking?" But see once she got the ball rolling she couldn't stop it. It was like a tornado spiraling out of control. And after reading this story, you can kinda see how that could happen, right?

She doesn't hate law, in fact, she actually likes many aspects of it, like researching, writing, and editing, but she knows her future does not involve being an attorney in private practice and engaging in litigation. She knows people will be shocked if she quits, and she can live with paying for her mistake, the law school debt, but she cannot see herself being a practicing lawyer for the rest of her life. 

So after lots of discussion and tears, that girl put in her two weeks notice at her job today. Her bosses were very understanding and the whole thing went way better than she could have imagined (picture her pacing back and forth 87 times in her office trying to work up the courage to rip off the proverbial bandaid). While some people around her may be disappointed, in the end it's her life and she needs to be happy. She is working on getting some legal freelancing positions and she has a good idea of what path she'd like her career to go. It is going to be hard? Yes. Is it the ideal time, with being a new homeowner and planning a wedding? No, but when is it ever a good time? She isn't sure what the future holds, but already her heart hurts a little less and her spirit is a little lighter.

*sorry for writing in the third person, it was easier to write about this topic that way