Thursday, December 12, 2013

Drunken Monkeys

Remember when my boyfriend Brian hilariously wrote about The 7 People You Meet on the Highway for my 50th post? Well today is my 100th post, so I decided to have Brian come back to celebrate! Take it away Bri... 

I know you've been reading all of Jessica's funny Christmas stories, so I figured that I should share one of my own. This one involves drunken elves, a quiet little kid and a nightmare trip to the mall. What could go wrong?

So one of our holiday traditions when I was a young one was for my parents to throw a party. It seemed like all of their friends had kids the same age as me (around 7 at the time). When it got dark out, they decided it was time to trick us gullible kids into thinking there were elves outside. How? Some of the adults would get liquored up and run around outside our house shining flashlights and ringing bells. Honestly I can't believe the cops were never called; that must have been one hell of a scene. Anyway we would frantically gather around the window to catch a glimpse. 

One of our parents had a great idea - they would have the kids shout to the elves what they wanted for Christmas. Free gift ideas for your kid! Plus this Santa guy seemed pretty real to me when everything I told the elves would be under the tree days later. Er, so maybe I believed in Santa just a little longer than most ...

Well, this plan worked out for my parents for many years. But one year they made a fatal flaw - they threw their party on the 23rd. Can you see why this was a bad idea? Apparently this particular year I was a bit difficult and wasn't helping out my mom with any gift ideas. But I'm sure she thought "Eh, that's perfect, now I'll just get him whatever. Plus he's a 7 year old boy, and easily amused by anything that isn't clothing." 

So there's my mom, happy with all my presents wrapped up and safely in the attic (yup, I know where they were). The kids are shouting things at the drunk elves, and I'm not saying much (probably a little scared by this scene). All of a sudden, through the noise and the chaos, she hears a piercing scream and the unthinkable:

"Jumpin' Monkeys!!"

Oh god. Not Jumpin' Monkeys. This little brat hasn't made a peep all year about what he wants, and now he blurts this out?? 

Yup .. I wanted that dumb game so bad. I mean, I was a sucker as a kid, and their commercial got to me. The purpose of the game is to launch your plastic monkey onto the plastic tree and get him to hang on. But damn those monkeys flyin' around and the kids having the time of their life on the commercial were just too much. I had to have it.

So my mom was a trooper, and made the trip out to Toys R Us on Christmas Eve morning! New Jersey malls are crowded on a normal day; I can't imagine what it must have been like. But I'm sure my mom wouldn't hesitate to run some fools over to get her son Jumpin' Monkeys. Plus, I might have grown suspicious of this Santa guy if the monkeys weren't under the tree the next morning.

Christmas was saved. And yes, Jumpin' Monkeys was totally worth it.

When I first heard this story a few years ago I thought it was the cutest thing ever, and I happened to be at Walgreens and see it that year, so now we are the proud owners of Jumpin' Monkeys! Haha leave Bri some love!

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  1. OMG I think I remember that game! I bet you guys have lots of fun playing it now. And let's be real, I bet the adults had a great time running around like drunk fools with a purpose one day of the year!

  2. HAHA that is awesome!!! I am gonna tell my husband about this! I love these stories!

  3. Hahaha good for you for picking up the game for him a few years ago! I love the part about liquored up elves, so funny.

    My daughter has decided she wants a Jake and The Neverland Pirates ship, which I did not buy her. Unfortunately I feel like I have to go get it because I still remember that ONE gift I wanted as a kid and did not get. Le sigh!

  4. Hahahaha I've never even heard of Jumpin Monkeys, but now I've apparently got to learn about it ;)

    This is hilarious!

  5. Oh goodness, this sounds like a fun tradition! Drunken elves!

  6. omg that's hilarious!! What a nice mom you have Brian! Mine would have been like.... yeah you can wait til New Years.
    I really want to act like a drunken elf now... but I don't know any kids...

  7. hahah this is great. happy 100th post!!

  8. "When I first heard this story a few years ago I thought it was the cutest thing ever, and I happened to be at Walgreens and see it that year, so now we are the proud owners of Jumpin' Monkeys!" That. Is seriously. The cutest thing. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, there's nothing like drunken relatives on Christmas! :)

  9. Haha you two have the best Christmas stories. And haha drunken adult elves. I'm sure they all had a ball pulling that off every year. Hilarious.

  10. I'm having a really crappy day and without even reading this post I snorted and laughed at that kid licking the window. Awesome.


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